Global Pandemic : A Story of Shattered Dreams

Aiswariya Mitra : Lately, I see a lot of motivational videos asking the batch of 2020 to have hope. Fern said “Brightest mornings follow darkest nights”. I get that, but when you are walking through the dark all alone, it is very difficult to abide by Instagram quotes. No, this is not a rant against anyone. This is just my story.

Yes, I was supposed to graduate this year. Not from college, but from a foreign university. One would say that it is not that big of a deal these days, but it was, to me. It is not about the expensive degree but the whole satisfaction of striving towards something, building your own life on your own terms. I would be lying if I said that I am a very independent person. I am extremely clumsy and forgetful, if I were to use one term from the millennial dictionary to describe myself it would be; messy. Yes, I am a complete mess, everything from my belongings to my feelings is scattered all over the place. Yet I continue to exist, with a head full of dreams and immense will to achieve them. I falter a thousand times before I reach my destination. Both metaphorically and quite literally.

I still remember the first time I travelled all by myself.  Coming from a very Bengali household I was never really allowed to travel alone to a different city, let alone a different country. Living up to the rebellious standards of my generation I did manage to convince my parents to let me do it all on my own. Saying that it was not easy would be an understatement, checking my boarding pass and passport every step of the way, dropping my phone below the seat. It is funny how the airline specifically announces not to do that, but then again my klutz has become an irrevocable trademark. Despite faltering a thousand times on that journey, I had a mad passion driving me, a dream to establish my life a certain way.

The biggest doom of this pandemic is how it shattered a million dreams. Dreams are not always necessarily luxurious. Some just dream to have a normal life in a two bedroom apartment, with a steady paying job, in a foreign land, for they are seeking an escape from the instability and turmoil of their regular lives.

 India closed down its International borders on 18^th March 12:00 noon GMT. I booked my flight tickets precisely 5 hours before the boarding time. Considering I had to make a 2 and half hours journey from Nottingham to London Heathrow, from where my flight was due, it was uncertain. But it was a risk I was willing to take, because in that moment I was looking for the comfort of my home amidst the unsettling chaos owing to the virus outbreak. As the flight took off, I could feel my heart sinking. Flying towards uncertainty all I could think of, was that if I could ever get back on track. It has been 4 months since, I still do not know. 

It is not easy clinging on to hope when you are forced to stay indoors ruminating in your insecurities. It is very difficult to stop your mind from wandering off into those dark corners of disparity. Yes I am stuck in a mind numbing cycle between the disappointment of what could have been and the fear of what will be. When you say that “the brightest mornings come after the darkest of times” I really wish you are right. I really do wish that the rays are waiting just beyond the horizon, and would come peeking out any minute now.  But I am running out of patience and consequently self-worth, I do not know for how long can I hold on.